Decisions. Decisions?

Life is about choices, so they say, and all the choices we make in life lead us in certain directions. This is how we got where we are. Because I really like where I am right now, I have no problem admitting that some - okay, many - of my decisions have been pretty bad ... fueled by selfish desires, sprinkled with an ignorant perspective, boxed in immaturity, and wrapped with insecurity. Sheesh. That sounds really bad when I read that last statement over. Oh well. (I always tell my students that in order to write productively, they have to make themselves vulnerable and be genuine. I can't go an be all hypocritical, can I?)

In these decisions, I've nearly burned some of  my favorite bridges beyond repair, and it would be dishonest of me to say that I have no regrets. However, I have to wonder that if my life wasn't laced with direction-changing poor choices, would I have ended up where I am today? Would I have had as many opportunities for growth and experiences for emotional and spiritual adventures? I'm gonna go with no. Maybe they should be given a new moniker: 'good bad decisions.' It's funny, because when we make crappy choices, the world feels like it's falling down around us. But after we look back on our life, years after the dust has all settled, we see that whatever it was, it wasn't the end of the world. And, hopefully, we've taken the opportunity to learn from being in that place of having done something stupid. If we haven't, then we suck.

We don't learn unless we leave our comfort zones, and, man, have I left my comfort zone. But I really believe that in doing so, I have gotten to learn more about myself and the world around me... and maybe some of those bad decisions have pushed me to leave my comfort zone. Like when I made that decision to focus on funneling beer more than biology that freshman semester at College of Charleston. So, bad decision (funneling beer) = many hangovers = sleeping in = missed classes = really bad grade (also, about 20 pounds on my tail end). And too many semesters like that don't help in staying in school. Thank goodness for Outward Bound! See... bad decision (beer) = bad grades = semester in wilderness school. Now, some people might think that 3 months living under the stars and taking a shower once every 3 weeks sounds bad. I know this. But, I really enjoyed myself and WANTED to do Outward Bound. It was a great opportunity to learn about my strenghts and weaknesses, how to work in a group to survive in the middle of the great outdoors, how to love the earth, and how to be a better person. See... bad decision = opportunity for growth.

In my Ella's book, Zen Shorts, there is a parable about a man whose son buys a horse, and the people say "Oh, such good luck," but when the horse runs away, they name his new cirucumstances "bad luck." However, the horse returns, with 2 other wild horses, to which the people proclaim, "Oh, such good luck." And then the son's leg is broken trying to break the horses, and the people say, "Oh, such bad luck." But, when he can't be drafted to war because of the broken bone, they say, "Oh, such good luck." So which is it, right? Was it good luck to buy the horse in the first place? I guess we may never know, and the whole idea is rhetorical...

 

I think it's what we make out of it. I think that all of my decisions, good and bad, have led me to this place in my life. They would have had to have lead me to here. They would have had to have led me to my children. And for that, I am thankful for my choices. But if I didn't try to do better than I did before, I would suck, and knowing that I don't suck in this regard is pretty cool.