Wednesday, December 7, 2016

We're Back, Loves.

I'm back. We are back. Different. But back. A changed version of our family. Better? Who knows? But we are alive, and we are living from a place of love. Getting to know ourselves in new ways, from perspectives we never imagined or even knew existed. And it's been really hard for a really long time. But we are learning and we are growing and life isn't quite as scary and difficult as it was when everything fell to pieces. 

The kids are good. Now. That's the most important part. They weren't always good. They struggled a lot. And it sucked a lot for them. And their hearts? Broken. But not completely. Divorce stinks the most for kids. Their lives were physically and mentally and emotionally upended. And knowing that it was largely my fault was a really enormously shitty horse pill to swallow. It felt like it was the worst thing in the world for a very long time...and each and every moment that their eyes were filled with that deep and dark sadness was actually the very worst thing in the whole entire world. With time, I've learned that their hearts were broken for a lot longer than from the moment the door was closed on their parents' relationship. My kids had long been suffering the dysfunction of a shattered marriage, too. And with that passing of time, I've learned that their hearts were broken in part because they needed more from me...and they had needed more from me for such a long time...and I just couldn't see it or answer their needs because I was emotionally stuck in a majorly bad way. Caught up in my own self-indulgent pity, I was failing them as my marriage was failing...and that failure was really so unfair to my babies. 

If there is one amazing thing I can say I figured out...because there is a very special and good part of the pain and trauma of my is that I figured out that my children deserved way better than I was giving them. I learned how to be the mother they actually, truly needed rather than the one I thought I should be...the one who made everything look pretty and put together on the outside but didn't dig too deep past the surface of just getting by. The lesson is one of the toughest ones life has offered me, but it is the absolute best one I've had the fortune of encountering.

So, I'm grateful for the failure and the heartbreak. I'm grateful for the tremendous, unfathomable loss...stripped to the very was as if everything had to go away so I could learn what life and love and actual happiness are. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, we've picked ourselves up. We've cried our hearts out. We've been angry and sad and devastated and lost and lonely. Gradually, we've moved from being broken to picking up the pieces of our life and putting them back together in new and different and hopefully better ways. We've pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps, dusted off our britches, and put real, true smiles back on our faces. Our family is far from perfect, but we're living with love and hope and peace in our hearts, and I could not ask for anything more. Not one thing. Seriously.

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