settin' around, waitin' to die

For as long as I can remember, I have been literally petrified of illness and, what I perceive every form of illness that I could possibly get, from a cold to a scrape to cancer, could lead to: death. When I was little, I was unnerved by poinsettias because I had heard that their berries and leaves were poisonous. Of course, my grandmother kept several around her house at Christmas, which made me a nervous wreck. When she would clean up the leaves from around the plants, I would follow her, pleading for her to wash her hands so she wouldn't fall victim to the evil, vicious Christmas flower. Inexplicably, during elementary school, I was afraid of the March of Dimes because I thought I had heard about a little girl with something awful, like leukemia, who was being helped by March of Dimes. Don't ask me why, I still can't explain it, but I thought that if I associated with M of D, I could 'catch leukemia.' (Now I know that March of Dimes is for pregnancy, childbirth, and any complications that could arise for babies.) I once waited in my aunt and uncle's backyard in Germany for blindness to set in after I stared at a welding torch for (what my cousin told me and I subsequently came to think was) too long. Even to this day, whenever I get a headache, I become that kid from Kindergarten Cop, and I convince myself I've got a brain tumor. This could go on and on forever. Clearly, I have a ridiculously-worst-case-scenario form of hypochondria.

*I'd like to give my mom a shout out for this fun little piece of crazy that lives in my head. And I know it has to be genetic or environmental because my baby brother shares this complex.

And while some people will avow that there is nothing to be afraid of when death knocks on my door, I can honestly say that I am terrified by the notion. How do these people know, they haven't died. I don't know beyond a shadow of a doubt what happens when my blood ceases to flow, when my breath is no more, when my soul leaves my body, and I am super-spooked by that lack of knowledge. In addition, my overwhelmingly narcissistic side takes over and just cannot imagine a world without me. I want to know how earth will be far into the future, and I like to think that the world needs me.  And I kind of like my life. I want to see what happens with my family 180 years from now. I want to know what my descendents look like and what they do.

Just for your information, I know exactly how ridiculous this all sounds. You can tell me, "the one thing that all people have in common is death." I know this. You might also say, "Everybody does it." While this phrase may have had a more persuasive effect  back in my late teens, early 20s, that crap doesn't work for me now. If all of my friends were jumping off the bridge to die, I wouldn't join them. I'd find some new friends.

You could suggest that I need therapy to deal with these issues. Perhaps. But who doesn't need therapy? I probably just need to get over myself. Luckily, last Friday night I had a great conversation with the father of one of my BFFs. When I asked her dad how his own father was doing, he said, "He's settin' around, waitin' to die. And he's gettin' tired of waitin'." And this really resonated with me. My friend's grandfather is 90 years old. He's lived a long freaking time. He's had a great life full of love and happiness with his wife, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids. He's outlived most of friends. He's satisfied.

So, as I thought about that idea of "settin' around waitin' to die," I thought that maybe many people reach a point in their lives where they've lived enough. Maybe more folks are more afraid of the great unknown than they're willing to admit, and eventually they land in that time in their lives where the prospect of letting go of this life on this earth isn't such a macabre fate. And maybe that can apply to me, too. Honestly, in all of my time weighing the consequences of death, I haven't been more okay with it. I just hope that I get to enjoy a super-full existence, one where the pants of my life won't button anymore. People in relationships often talk about filling up their partner's love tank. We need to make sure we always find ways to fill up our life tanks. Rather than fearing death and not living my life to the fullest, I think I'll start working on making my moments count until I get to a point where I'm "settin' around, waitin' to die."

And hopefully that will be when I'm like 200 years old. Ha!