she shares her soft

When I found out I was having a baby girl when I was pregnant with Ella, I was sooooo excited. I am super superstitious, and secretly I was hoping for a girl and I felt like I was having one, but I didn't want to jinx it, so I told everyone I thought she was a boy. I even bet Matt 20 bucks that the 20-week ultrasound would show that we were having a boy. That may be the only thing I've ever been okay with losing.

Anyways, so as soon as I learned that my bean was a female bean, I went directly to a cutsie boutique and bought her the prettiest, softest, silkiest, sweetest pink Little Giraffe blankie and matching pillow. I couldn't imagine a more perfect lovie for my little love to hold and cuddle. I could hardly wait for her to be born so I could introduce her to what I just knew would be her life-long snuggle accessory. I so looked forward to seeing her sleep with it during her naps and rub it on her little face. I imagined having to cut a small corner of the pink satin to put in her pocket on her first day of school. I imagined her taking it with her to college. I dreamed of having it somehow become part of her bouquet on her wedding day. And maybe she would one day pass it on to her own baby girl. Ahhhhhh. It was going to be just. like. that.

Maybe not. Maybe not at all. She still has it in her bedroom for her dolls to play with, but the thing looks brand new 6 and a 1/2 years later. Never been used. Not the way I imagined anyway. She instead gravitated to this small blanket that one of my parents' friends gave as a baby gift. It's white satin on one side and has chamois blue and yellow checked squares and a duck in the middle on the other. Don't get me wrong, it's cute and all, but not my first choice. But that doesn't matter because it's HER first choice. She has adored it from the start. She calls it her "Little White Blankie," and it has been a constant companion for years. Though, now that she's older, she doesn't like for her friends to see LWB, I know she feels best when she knows exactly where it is.

She rubs it on her nose and twirls it through her fingers. She loves on it when she's taking a nap or reading books or watching a movie. She always has. LWB is an extension of my Ella, and I don't think I'd have it any other way.

Starting at about 1, whenever she snuggled with me, she'd surprise me with a moment's rub of LWB on my nose and cheek. When her language was toddlerese, I'd ask if she was sharing her soft with me. She always shook her head yes and smiled a big smile. When she was 3 - 4 years, I would ask her what she was doing, and she would tell me, "Mommy, I'm sharing my soft with you." I lived for those moments. I have always loved that she wanted me to be a part of something that brought her so much comfort and warmth. Tonight, when I was singing her songs, she rubbed LWB on my nose and cheek like she has so many times before. Now SHE asks ME if I know why she does that. Even though I know the answer, I so relish hearing her say it herself. "It's because I love you."

Yes, she shares her soft, and in doing so, she shares her heart. I only hope she knows that SHE is MY soft. SHE is MY heart.