She is Happy

Today marks three years since my sweet grandmother, my beautiful, blue-eyed lady, took her final breath on this earth. Last year at this time, I wrote an entry entitled "The Blues" about her...her eyes, how they and so many other of the most special people in my life have brilliant blue eyes...how those blues brought, bring so much love and happiness into my life...how that when one is sad, they have the blues...how that notion, to me, is such an ironic one in consideration of what that color has meant to me in my life.

There are few loves that people have that just have so much substance and perfection and grace. The time since she has been here has been difficult; she was one of my closest, dearest, most special people ever and for always, and the void that was left in the wake of her absence is one that has been unfillable.

Still, life, much to my initial uncertainty, has gone on. Those first two years were so hard, so sad. I was unsure of how that grief would ever subside, how there would be more happy days than gloomy ones. Over this past year, though, it seems that the dust has settled. The realization, for me, that my precious grandmother is now with her beloved, my precious Popa, comes to the forefront of my mind when I think of her. While I miss her greatly, I find that I'm more happy for her, for them than I am sad for myself. During her time on earth, she spent most of her energy focusing on the states of happiness for her loved ones; this selflessness and unconditional love is one of the most enduring lessons she taught me. For many years, I thoughtlessly took for granted all that she did for all of us, for me, and I overlooked the generosity and moments where she put her own needs and desires aside for all of us.

Finally, over this past year, that enduring quality, that lesson has come to make so much sense. Don't get me wrong, I know that I have the ability to be incredibly self-centered, however, I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to understand how and why she was they way she was. The happiness and security and blessings of other people in our lives are far more important to our own contentment than anything else. I can't truly be happy if my loves aren't all good. I can't, in good conscience, say that I'm blessed if my family and friends aren't also. So, I have started looking to the good fortune of others in search of my own happiness. That Grandmother and Popa are together again, with the loves of their lives...that knowledge replaces some of the sadness that I have for not having them here with me.

Also, knowing that they are watching over us makes me feel safe. While they were here, I relied on them so much. My grandmother was the ultimate security blanket. She was ALWAYS there for me. Always. When she left, all at once, I felt so unsure of myself, afraid to face life without her. But, in this past year, we've faced some significant stresses, moments when I needed her. Taking a step back, remembering that there were times when I should have crumbled, but when out of somewhere there was strength...maybe, just maybe...she was right there all along, and I envision her and Popa smiling over us, holding hands, lending us courage, sending us love and good wishes in the faces of our adversity.

So, while I miss her dearly, while I would give anything for just five more minutes with her, I find peace knowing that she is happy...happy to be where she is...happy to be with Popa...happy to be our guardian angel. I love you, my beautiful, blue-eyed lady.