The Boat is Out of the Basement!

Well, friends, the boat is out of the basement. Phew! As we all know by now, I was a tad anxious about how it'd all go down, but the birth of my third child went as smoothly as I think it possibly could have. And, she is more than amazing.

Seriously, I think she must have sensed my apprehension, and in an effort to prove me wrong, she made her exit as gracefully as ever. Seriously. When I went in for my 37-38 (I'm still not in total agreement with what my due date should have been versus what the first ultrasound predicted) visit, the doctor informed me that I was 4-5 centimeters dilated, and that if I happened to call in that evening with possible contractions, she would not send me home, seeing as how I live 30 minutes from the hospital seeing as how it would be cruel and unusual to send home a woman as far dilated as I was. A simple Braxton Hicks would be enough to push past the new rules of engagement induction in her eyes. So, she stripped the membranes (Matt loves this term), and told me to hope for the best. I told her I'd see her that evening.

At home, I thought I was having something going on...there were never painful contractions, just a bunch of tightening moments, but they were enough for Matt to get his labor coach hat on and convince himself and my mother that I was, indeed, in labor. I called the doctor and she reiterated her "seeing as how I lived so far and such over the phone"...I'm pretty sure it was more for the nurses than me, and she instructed us to come on down to the hospital. Mind you, I was unconvinced. I mean, I had zero pain. Zero. I didn't even care that Matt stopped at the slowest Burger King in the state of South Carolina on the way down there. The only reason I let him drive was because I felt it would be inappropriate for a woman in "labor" to drive herself to the hospital. When we arrived, and I saw a woman that was actually in painful labor walking in with us, I felt slightly guilty for some reason. Certainly, when they strapped me to the monitor and checked my cervix, I'd be hitting the road for home. Right?

Wrong. The monitor showed regular contractions. Why wasn't I feeling them? And the doctor told me I was 6 centimeters dilated! Well, how about them apples? Despite the lack of discomfort, I took the advice of the nurse and Matt's sister that once my water was broken I'd have a hard labor, so I asked for the anesthesiologist to chat with me about an epidural. My previous experience with the needle in the back had been horrendous. Like 2-week migraine horrendous. Like electrical shocks through the body horrendous. Like the current anesthesiologist saying to me, "That was you?! I heard about that happening!" horrendous. Like OMG! Thank goodness this guy seemed to know what he was talking about, because he convinced me that what had happened before was sucky and wrong, and that he had a better grip on the situation. So, I let him stick the needle in my back...after he drew me pictures of how it would work...and my waist-down world went pretty numb.

That was about 3 in the morning. By 4, I was 8 centimeters and my water was broken. At 5.30, I decided to take a little rest, and when the nurse came to check me at 6, I was groggy and half-asleep, but apparently, the baby was making her way out! What? She called the doctor, and after 3 sets of pushes and 5 very short minutes, Evan was in my arms, all gooey and beautiful and screaming her sweet head off. Now, I'm not one to brag, but 5 minutes! Oh yeah! That's ridiculous. But, I was on a mission. I cringe at the thought of having certain things on display...particularly unclothed things...I'd make a terrible porn star...so there was work to be done and done quickly. While it clearly didn't phase the doctor or nurses, who were talking about vacations and things to do in Myrtle Beach whilst my most feminine world was a stage for everyone's attention, I was faaareaking out to get that mess over with.

And, when it was done, I was rewarded with the most amazing gift. Evan. She's perfect. As perfect as her sister and her brother before her. Perfect. And huge. 9 pounds, 19 inches. Born June 20, 2012. I'm so happy I opted for the epidural, because even if I had not a single painful contraction without it, the exit from my body would have been enough to send me to therapy for post-traumatic stress, of this I am sure.