They will not go into the wild. No way.

With the end of the school year comes the graduation of seniors across the country, which makes me think back to that time in my own life when I completed high school and the one thing I had in mind was college getting the heck outta Chapin, SC and heading on down to Myrtle Beach with my closest, funnest, wildest friends for First Week. And, when I say we had a great time, I mean we had a really great time. I mean really. W.I.L.D. Actually, the term wild doesn't do it justice. It was that awesome. I won't can't shouldn't elaborate beyond that. You never know who has political aspirations and who doesn't need those skeletons tumbling out of that closet.

To be sure, my friends were amazing fun-seekers. A party ensued wherever, whenever, whatever. As if the party was looking for us. And, man, did it find us. Carefree, young, and ready to tackle the challenge of pushing the envelope of raging. We carried our "abilities" straight out of high school to college and made sure that no stone night was left unturned. Ahhh. Those were the days.

Looking back at that time in my life, I have to wonder, what the hell my mother and father were thinking letting me go into the wild like that. I am sure they'll say that they had no control over what I did, that it was out of their hands. Perhaps I should offer up an apology to them for all of the heartache and worrying that must have rained on their heads whenever my friends and I walked out the door.

Perhaps. But, I can promise you this: knowing what I know, having done the crazy, albeit immensely enjoyable, things that we did, I will N.E.V.E.R set my sweet Ella or her raucous future inmate brother, Summit, loose to the wolves of the sport of mirthful nonsense. No way. Not under my watch. I don't care what I have to do: encourage them to be nuns or monks, turn them into total nerds, scare the bejesus out of them... I just can't, in good conscious, or for the want of a peaceful night's sleep, allow them to do the following:

• Ride with their friends in cars. Or drive.
• Go to parties without parents present. Or leave them at a party where parents are present but I am not.
• Drink soda or any other carbonated beverages. Or anything worse. This includes caffeinated tea.
• Have boyfriends or girlfriends.
• Think it's okay to dance.
• Go camping with their friends.
• Go on the lake without me.
• Have cell phones.
• Attend concerts where there are hippies.
• Date before they finish their doctorate degrees.
• Date.

Here is a list of how I will manage their lives:

• I will chaperone their dances and spy on them go with them to the prom. 
• If one of them wants to do something like move to the desert in Utah, I WILL move with them.
• If they want to go to college in another state, guess who's gonna be there?
• Do background checks on ALL of their friends and their friends' parents.
• Provide them with personal drivers.
• Tap the phone.
• Have them involved in so many activities they don't have time for anything else.
• Spy. Spy. Spy.

Sorry, Ella and Summit, I know too much. And since my job is to protect you, I will do whatever it takes to make sure you are safe and healthy and happy at all times. If this doesn't make you happy, tough. It will make me happy. And because I grew you inside of me and provide you with food, love, and all the other essentials in life, you will do as I say. I don't care if you guys are the biggest dorks in the world. You'll be alive dorks.